We're all mad here

Trigger warnings for self harm, alcoholism, depression, dysphoria.
General warning for sexual content and swearing. 

Alright.

So, basically the last few months I’ve been on some sort of autopilot.

I’m exhausted all the time, no matter how much I sleep. I think the only times I’ve felt truly happy have been with a few close friends and my girlfriend; times when I feel really and truly loved and appreciated. 

I like being at school and learning new things, but I have absolutely no motivation to do ANY of the work, or studying for that matter. I’ll be surprised if I make a B- average this semester. I know I should care more about this but for some reason I can’t. I’m just done with school for now, I think. I still love learning, but the papers and assignments and stuff are just frustrating to me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this, I don’t know. I’ve applied to do some study abroad courses in the summer though, so maybe that’ll help since I’ll be in a new environment…

Also, my mum has said I need to get a job again. The thing is, a) there are barely any jobs to be had in this city, and b) out of school, work, and sanity, I can only have two.

It sucks because I have no motivation or energy to do anything, but then I feel guilty for not doing my work and then I get more depressed and it just turns into this godawful spiral that makes me want to drink it away or hurt myself or any number of other unproductive coping mechanisms. 

I don’t want to. I don’t want to go back to these things. 
I still have blades around, not that I’ve used them in a long time, but they’re there. I don’t want to become the alcoholic my father and uncle are, or that both of my grandfathers were. I know the possibility is there, since I have not only the family history but the addictive personality. 

I’ve also been smoking a lot more weed lately, which I normally only do on occasion but have done 3 of the last 4 days. Never on my own, though. Always with other people. Still, I can tell it’s starting to lean towards the unhealthy side, and as much as I don’t want it to get there, I can’t seem to stop it.

Another thing that’s been plaguing me lately is to do with internal organs that should not exist. 
Basically, every few days, out of nowhere, I will get these godawful cramps that are extremely painful and annoying and make me want to just curl up and die, and painkillers don’t seem to have much effect. Also, not at the same time as this of course, I will randomly bleed, just a little bit, for like one day. It usually happens out of nowhere but is especially brought on by penetrative sex. Which blows. Or, rather, doesn’t. It just makes things really uncomfortable for both myself and my partner cause it’ll just kind of happen, and then there’s a bit of panic and awkwardness and it just kind of sucks.

That’s another thing that’s been bothering me lately, sex in general. It’s not that it’s bad or anything, I love being with my partner and making her feel amazing and making her happy. The only issue is, you can’t really feel much through a strapon. So I have the closeness and the intimacy and the atmosphere and all that, just not a ton of the sensation. And yes I know there are other alternatives but the aforementioned bleeding kind of messes with that. So, in the meantime, I kind of just have to deal with it myself, which is nowhere near as relieving and is much more uncomfortable. For some reason I’m fine with other people touching me there, but touching myself feels wrong. Probably because that’s not what I’m supposed to have. I do have a dildo that’s extremely realistic, and I don’t normally use it on the harness but sometimes I’ll place it where it should be and touching that, while not actually giving any sexual sensation, it feels so much more natural than trying to masturbate without assistance with the bits I have. Sign number I don’t even know what that I am definitely a dude. 

I just feel so awkward and awful and sick and tired and angry and upset and in pain and inadequate and I have no idea what the fuck to do.

All of this bullshit is going on, and my girlfriend is in a big ball of stress because Engineering is a bitch and it’s not her fault that the program is intense but her mum is being a cow about it anyway and I feel awful because I can’t really do anything to help her, and it kinda feels right now that she might be mad at me cause I’m not doing anything and she’s working her ass off and then some. I don’t mean to effectively flaunt my free time, but that may be how it’s coming across, which would make sense as to why she’d be upset. But I don’t know.

I have absolutely no idea what the fuck I am doing with my life or anything in it right now. No fucking clue. I’m basically just blindly flailing around right now. I’m so stressed even though I don’t have very much reason to be. All I want to do is lie in bed all the time but I have to do things like school and stuff. Also looking for jobs. 

I have a feeling this is probably the longest (or one of) rant I’ve posted about personal stuff. I really have no idea. I think I’m just rambling at this point because I have no idea whatsoever what else to do. 

I just want to stop time and be somewhere nice and comfortable and cuddle with my girlfriend for ever and not be stressed and have her not be stressed and just have all the cuddles.

Can I do that? Please?

aaaaaaaaaahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I cannot brain

I have lost all ability to brain

at all

what the fuck

am I 

supposed

to 

do

aaaaaahhhhhh

fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck

*flail*

…Don’t mind me.